Archive for the ‘prose’ Category

Posted by smellanie at 24 June 2010

Category: prose, smellanie

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It was a beautiful day outside. The sun hung high in the air, but the temperature was moderate. A light breeze blew in from the west, carrying with it the scent of the ocean, which was, to Marissa, the scent of promises.

It smelled of promises made, promises kept, and even of promises lost. She liked thinking about all of them; she simply liked promises. They always made her feel better; she didn’t know why. She breathed deep, and imagined the salty ocean air filling her lungs and promising oxygen to her blood.

She turned and looked at her little hibachi, where a single hamburger patty lay sizzling, promising her a delicious burger in just a few more minutes, oh it was going to be so good! Her mouth watered a little, and her right hand found its way to the belt of her fuzzy pink robe, where her fingers began to obsessively fidget with a spot in the stitching of the belt that was slightly off-kilter. She always returned to this behavior when she felt uneasy, and although she thought in her active mind that she was really doing all right, she was peachy keen, she was fine-and-dandy, her subconscious mind knew better. It knew that there were always things to worry about, always stitching that was off-kilter, even in the fuzziest of robes, and it wouldn’t let her rest. Not really. Not for-realsies rest.

So, she hadn’t been sleeping very well as of late. She found herself dreaming frequently of her childhood, and time spent at the beach. In particular, she seemed to be longing for a stay at a particular house her parents had rented frequently throughout her childhood. It was the only place she could remember where her obsessive behavior really hadn’t been a problem. She could never figure out why, but each night that she slept in that house, she awoke a little less nervous, a little more at ease, a little more confident that the world was not going to end every five seconds.

She went to the little black notebook, the one that said “Contacts” on the front of it, that had been her father’s before he had passed, and flipped through it methodically, trying to find the phone number of the owner. She figured her father had coded it somehow; she had seen him do it before when adding new people to the leatherette notebook she had come to think of as The Contacts Book.

Finally, she found her finger working its way down the first page of the TUV section. Second from the top, there it was: “Terblist, Herman, BEACH HOUSE”. Would Mr. Terblist even be alive today, she wondered, and figured there was no harm in calling to find out if he was.

She dialed the number listed in The Contacts Book, and was about to give up after six rings when finally the phone had been answered.

“…’Lo?” A voice said lazily. A young voice. Teenager like, she thought.

“Uh, hello…I’m…uh…calling about a rental house that was owned by Herman Terblist. Have I called the right place?”

“Uh, jussasec,” the voice replied “lemme get my dad…DAD!”

She pulled the phone away from her ear a little too late, and stood there, wincing painfully, still trying to listen, but only tentatively holding the phone to her head. Finally, she heard the distinct sound of the receiver being passed and heard an adult male voice ask ‘who is it?’, the reply to which apparently was ‘idunno’.

“Hello?”

“Hi, uh, I was calling about a beach house my parents used to rent from Herman Terblist. Do you know anything about that?”

“Oh, yes, I’m Herman’s son, Nertrom…but I’m afraid the house isn’t around anymore…”

“Oh, oh, I see, that’s really too bad…”

“No, it’s really not too bad. My grandfather had painted the entire house with mood altering chemicals. HAZ-MAT had to come clean it up. Please, don’t feel bad that it’s not around anymore. I…gosh, I hope you didn’t stay in it too, often, miss…the people who cleaned it up said that anyone staying more than 2 days would have been high as a kite…I hope that didn’t happen to you…miss…? Are you there?”

She dropped the phone to the floor, and began to laugh.

“Well,” she giggled to herself, not noticing when Nertrom Terblist finally hung up, “fuck me!”

Posted by smellanie at 23 April 2010

Category: doodles, prose, smellanie

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It was the first of the month, a day full of promise for some people. For Agatha, it was the day her rent was due.

She would be able to pay it. It would not pose a problem. She worked full time and kept to her budget, so she really had nothing to worry about.

In fact, she really had no problems at all, unless you count that second head that was growing out of her back.

Posted by smellanie at 11 April 2010

Category: prose, smellanie

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He didn’t have much to say to us beyond the word “goodbye”. Unspoken volumes were there in his eyes, and hung between us like a lantern with a slowly dying bulb. The longer he waited and lingered uncomfortably in the driveway, the less it seemed that there was anything left to say.

No one moved to touch him, to give him some final physical contact before he left. No one really wanted to, it seemed. He was really no longer welcome, and it appeared that everyone knew it.

“I’m…” he started to say, but then Mary shook her head as if to tell him to just stop.

He turned then, and folded himself into his impossibly small car. His red rubber nose no longer appeared as comical as it had when he arrived. He made a sweeping motion toward his chest with his left hand, and his small dog, which we had all but forgotten, jumped into his lap.

He closed the car door then, and put the vehicle in reverse with a heavy sigh.

I am sure he was disappointed that my mother did not offer him a tip, but honestly he had been lucky to leave our house without a broken leg. Because no one in my family tolerates a clown who shits on the living room carpet.

Posted by fletcherism at 31 March 2010

Category: comics, prose

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Posted by fletcherism at 26 March 2010

Category: comics, prose

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Posted by smellanie at 26 March 2010

Category: prose, smellanie, stuff

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Fucking pigs, thought Regina as she walked past the construction site.

She could feel their eyes on her from two blocks away.  Instantly, she had felt a deep rage build within her, rising up through her belly and constricting her throat with an amazing amount of force.

Now, now, she told herself.  You’ve got to calm down or it’s going to be so much worse.

She knew she was more noticeable when she was emotional.  If she could make herself devoid of emotion, it would be like being invisible.

Ten deep breaths later, she began again to walk towards the construction site, feeling herself growing more calm with each step.  She regulated her breathing so that its rhythym exactly matched that of her stride.  She even heard herself counting, in a soft voice, in her own head.

One…two…three…four…

The click of her heels on the pavement reminded her a little of a song she had heard earlier in the day, and another voice in her head began to hum it, while she still continued counting.

She felt herself beginning to smile, forgetting for a moment her drive to try and appear stoic and apathetic.  And then suddenly she realized, what the fuck how can there be two voices in my brain?

what?

huh…who are you?

I’m you, doofus!  Who else would I be!

I dunno…a ghost…or maybe another personality…

Can’t I be the Devil?

Well, sure, I don’t see why not, but seriously I don’t believe in that shit.

I know you don’t, duh.  I already told you I’m you.

Oh my god, I’m going fucking crazy!

Mostly likely, yes, but also, seriously, you should watch where you’re going.

When the construction workers finally noticed her five hours later, they wondered how they hadn’t seen her walk into the construction site.  She had, after all, fallen in a huge hole in the sidewalk and at least 20 feet into a tunnel they had dug under the street.  They concluded that she had to have been invisible, joking at first, but then later wondering if that really had been the case after all.  A few of them were even convinced that she had been invisible, but they didn’t share these opinions with their co-workers, but kept them locked up tight, for sharing only with spouses or mistresses, or even a gigalo in the case of Mrs. Jacobsen, late at night, just before sleep stole them away.

Oh, and it totally was the fucking Devil.  Awesome, huh?

Posted by smellanie at 17 March 2010

Category: fake news, prose, stuff

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This is a touchy subject. Most people have pimples on their buttocks at least once or twice during their lifetimes. But we see that porn stars, nude models, actors, and even that nudist who lives down the street, often have clear skin on the tuchus. How can this be? Are these people not human, or do they have some beauty secret? Well, the answer is simple: yes, they are human (except for that nudist; that guy is clearly from outer space. Have you seen his junk? It does not look normal at all!). And, yes, they have some beauty secrets, which I will share with you now:

Step 1: Stop putting French fries in your underpants. If you are like me, you were raised with the great American tradition of filling your unders with fries before starting your day. There are few things as exhiliarating! However, that is a lot of grease and salt to be rubbing into your ass all day, no matter what Benjamin Franklin thought. The hardest part about this step was explaining my decision to my family. They do not understand my anti-French-fries-in-the-underwear stance. Perhaps they never will, but I am proud to have made the choice to stop.

Step 2: wash your ass once in a while you filthy fucking hippy! Fuck!

Step 3: Seriously, wash it. Use some soap, for chrissakes.

Step 4: hey, did you ever see that movie Dancing in the Dark? Oh man, it’s really slow and sort of boring for the first part, but once the woman has the breakdown it gets going. It was really pretty good, but I don’t know if it’s the kind of movie you would want to watch often. It was sort of heavy. I never understood why it was in the horror section at Video USA. Omigod, do you remember that place? I hung out there so much. Well, until my friends quit working there anyway.

If you follow these steps, you should find yourself with a nice, zit-free ass in no time. And I cannot stress enough the importance of the washing. I can smell your ass from here, dude, so I can tell you need to do that. Yes, I am fucking serious. No, it’s not Josh’s lunch that I smell…not unless he has started eating ass sandwiches or something. Dude, I am trying to help you. Don’t be so defensive about it. Everyone here knows you have a problem. Now, go wash your ass so we can watch this movie I rented. Yes, it’s Dancing in the Dark. Why else did you think I mentioned it?

Posted by fletcherism at 12 March 2010

Category: comics, limericks, prose

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Posted by fletcherism at 11 March 2010

Category: comics, limericks, prose

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Posted by fletcherism at 10 March 2010

Category: comics, doodles, prose

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nonsense: some of which rhymes is using WP-Gravatar